ZachIsHere

I am hooked.

“I hate these people. It’s not because of who they are or anything that they’ve done. It’s just axiomatic that waiters hate the first customer of the day.”

WaiterRant.net is a blog authored by a 37 year old professional server working at a very upscale Bistro in New York City. The writer and establishment are not named for protection. The whole thing has had me hooked for hours. Reading it gives you a constant reminder of the idea that an angel is on one of your shoulders and a devil is on the other. Part of life is deciding who gets control of your mind and mouth.

The truth about being a waiter for better or for worse comes out. The love\hate relationship between the front of the house (servers and hostesses) and the back of the house (cooks and dishwashers). The subject of tipping is given endless analysis and karma is brought up a lot.

My favorite part isn’t written specifically but the theme shows itself over and over. The idea that a server isn’t human. Ok, thats going a bit far. More so the idea that most people treat servers as a ping pong table that has been folded up so that instead of having an opponent you play against the other side of the table. Bear with me. People talk to servers in a manner that insures the waiter responds how they want them to respond. And when this balance is screwed up it makes for very unhappy people. Example below…

It’s a slow Monday night and I snag my first table. Seated is a hirsute middle aged man projecting an air of superiority that makes me want to pull out my pepper mill and club him over the head like a baby seal.

Hirsute says a shade too politely, “And how are you today young man?”

“I’m fine sir and how are you?” I reply. I look at his wife. She sports a blank expression.

Nodding his head solemnly he says. “What a shame you are working on such a slow night. You can’t really be making much money. That’s got to be tough for you.” There’s a faux therapeutic quality to his speech.

In a flash I have this guy’s number. Having spent years in analysis he’s adopted the “I see all and know all” mannerisms of his shrink because he desperately lacks a personality of his own. Therapy junkies are bad customers. They therapize every situation and try and use what they learn on the couch to manipulate the people around them. Pointing out our age difference and remarking on the night’s economics is his way of establishing dominance.

Surprise asshole – I was in analysis too. Luckily my therapist wasn’t the “suck Woody Allen dry” variety that infests Manhattan. Marty was one of the good guys and he taught me all the tricks.

“The night is what it is sir,” I reply keeping my face neutral. I give him no room to maneuver.

Realizing his domination attempt’s been blunted he tries a different approach. Pointing to the wine menu he asks, “What kind of grape is in the Barolo?”

“Nebbiolo sir.”

“Yes but it’s a blend of grapes. Can you name the others?”

It’s a trick question. “Barolo is made only from Nebbiolo grapes sir.”

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“Well I’m a beer guy but I’m sure about the Barolo,” I reply smiling. Humor is another neutralizing tactic.

“I think you’re wrong.” he ripostes.

“Well that’s where we’re at,” I reply simply

Hirsute looks confused. He is supposed to be controlling the situation with whatever crap he learned through years of navel gazing on the couch. I’m not getting flustered or angry – just shutting his bullshit down with some verbal jujitsu.

“Well I’ll have a beer in any case,” he says. What a surprise. He probably can’t afford Barolo after his therapist’s through billing him.

“But of course sir.”

I take their orders. They devour the appetizers and I bring out the entrees. Sesame encrusted yellowfin tuna in a sweet balsamic reduction sauce. Yummy.

People at the table make it known very fast what role you want them to play. Maybe it is a very subservient “no small talk” type waiter. It could be that they want to use you as an inferior spring board to pump them up in front of their table mate. Maybe they are genuinely interested in your input and see you as someone of value worthy of a two way relationship (for lack of a better term to describe the fleeting connection you have with that table). You will get back what you send over on multiple levels. A small amount of kindness and that magic word goes such a long way in the treatment you get. The other end of the spectrum can wind up in a table\server slugfest masked by a trained smile and professionalism.

I love that he gave me a word for something that is a big part of the job but is impossible to describe. Deadpan. It is small talk but its more than that. Part of being a good waiter is ensuring the conversation between you and the table is comfortable and flows naturally. What you can and can’t say depends on the age and the demeanor of the table. Every type has soft spot. Older, wealthy, outgoing, type men love it when I say “Of course, thats why they pay me the big bucks.” after they ask me to get something. It sounds very simple but it always gets quite a reaction, its obvious I don’t make big bucks. It is good self deprecating humor that paints you as someone who is in a service roll but has still has personality, humanizing yourself. Women, especially older women love it when you single them out. “For you? I can get that right away.” If you have a group of people who aren’t very personable or are interested in the “strictly subservient” waiter role the best thing you can do is a great job on their meal. Obviously this is important for anyone having a meal but if someone likes your personality they can overlook you forgetting to bring the cream with your coffee. Not so, for the group that has only spoken to you when necessary. I could go on and on…

You didn’t think this much went into such a menial job did you? You may think the author of this site and I are thinking way too much into this and making small things that don’t matter a big deal. The difference in people that take all of this into account and people that don’t are the difference between a $20 tip and a $100 dollar tip. The difference between a $10 tip and $20 tip. $2 and $6. It adds up.

Below are some good links from the site for more reading. Knowledge about the industry aside the actual writing is fantastic. The last one is a pretty good piece about how society looks at you as a failure after a certain amount of time. If nothing else a cautionary tale for me.

Puttenesa
Heat
Baby Bucks
Cold Autumn